20minutos: Your News Fix Dealer
Spain’s most unhinged information slot machine is here! Turn your phone into a lava-spewing news volcano – whether you’re a subway zombie or toilet philosopher, this bad boy will upgrade you from grocery auntie to geopolitical expert in 30 seconds flat.
How to Survive Our Info Buffet
☢️ News Tornado Alley
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Politics? We’ll expose politicians’ dog’s dating profile
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Tech? Documented how AI helps grandmas cheat at crosswords
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Food? Exclusive: “Molecular gastronomy is just microwave leftovers”
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Breaking: Your neighbor’s parking war just went viral
🚨 Alert Addiction Protocol
Turn your phone into a paparazzi stalker:
“Pssst… That celeb you crush on just faceplanted at a club!”
“Urgent! Pensioner ranting about taxes detected 3 blocks away”
(Warning: 3AM soccer score alerts may cause relationship casualties)
📸 Lazybones’ Paradise
Allergic to paragraphs? We’ve got:
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AI summaries that roast politicians like stand-up comics
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Hard news disguised as reality TV gossip
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Breaking updates rewritten as diss tracks
👵 Boomer Bait 2.0
Interface so simple your gramps will think he’s hacking NASA:
← Swipe left for alien conspiracy theories
→ Swipe right for viral cat courtroom dramas
↓ Pull down to activate secret kebab shop radar
Why You’ll Mainline This App
✔️ Bathroom scholars rejoice: Reads yesterday’s memes offline
✔️ Data hoarder therapy: Create folder-ception with 256 subcategories
✔️ Date armor: Know your Tinder match’s hometown weather better than their mom
Danger Zone Manual
⚠️ Disable “Scandal Global” before bed – guaranteed to replace sheep with corruption schemes
⚠️ Activate emergency brake when seeing ex’s vacation photos in “Local News”
⚠️ “Tech” section may cause sudden urge to rant about blockchain at weddings
Human Blueprints
• Hidden in Section 4.3: Editor-in-chief’s 1997 poetry slam failure
• Randomly resurrects vintage newspaper layouts from the Y2K panic era
• Morse code menus with the editor’s go-to hangover noodles order
• All “Science” thumbnails are actually photos of the intern’s broken microwave
Side Effects May Include:
✓ Quoting tabloid headlines during job interviews
✓ Organizing grocery lists by news urgency levels
✓ Developing Sherlock-level skills in tracking down WiFi passwords
*Brought to you by 20minutos Asylum™ – where journalists and chaos coexist
iOS users beware: Our Android team still thinks Siri is a Soviet spy
